******************************    Breaking News... *******************************

Pretenders PEELING it like Pelé,

Benders BENDING it like Beckham,

You can't touch THIS!

Try ELEVATING it like an elephant!

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Labial Commissure (of Gob!); GOBilicious

"Kiss Me Baby One More Time!"

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Trouble in the Jungle

"Wild thing! I think I'll poke you."

Don't!

Hell has no fury like a leopard poked!

Enter your search terms Submit search form   Web www.questia.com www.ebay.com www.meebo.com ************************************************************************* The MusicBranche Top 20 Singles (Send your votes to the webmaster) & The MusicBranche Band Of The Month Award Goes To...   The Top 20 Singles (According to MusicBranche)     Mary J. Blige ---------------------------------- Rascal Flatts                                         Leona Lewis - "Better in Time" Mary J. Blige - "Work That" (It's here) Mariah Carey - "Touch My Body" Rascal Flatts - "Stand" (Have a listen here) Natasha Bedingfield ft Sean Kingston - "Love Like This" Click here Amy Winehouse feat Mark Ronson - "Valerie" Mary J. Blige - "Just Fine" Rascal Flatts - "These Days" Rascal Flatts - "What Hurts the Most" Keith Urban - "You Are the Only One" Nathan - "Do Without My Love" Rodney Atkins - "These Are My People" Click  - it's right here Joe (featuring Papoose) - "Where You At" Click here and have a listen Nelly Furtado - "Do It" Take That - "Patience" Alison Krauss & Union Station - "Restless" Enrique Iglesias - "Do You Know?" Trisha Yearwood - "Georgia Rain" Ne-Yo - "Because Of You" Terri Clark - "I Just Wanna Be Mad" (Click here and lend an ear to Terri)               A World Music singles chart category is in the offing, and this webmaster is open to suggestions and recommendations (from YOU out there) for consideration and possible inclusion of  your song choices in the singles list. *****************************************************

"With this instrument Miss Ward, blow means blow."

                         Press Play

Learn to Dance!

"Funny things are funny.  But, funnier,

          When I share them 

                With you."

       - Pam Brown (b.1928).

Jokes of the Week

(-_-)

The slumberland of the office will never be the same!           

Sleep, sleep, sleep; eyes wide awake!

"Now, how is the boss going to know you are in

the land of SOPOR?"

Only by pointing a finger, I suppose!

Feeling sleepy at your office desk?  Just wear a pair of them!

***************** 

The Healthy Way?

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, "So what do you have to say about this experiment?"

Coolly the husband replies, "If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!"

*****************                              

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
Answer: A power failure.
 

***************** 

What should you give a man who has everything?
Answer: A woman to show him how to work it.
 

***************** 

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
Husband: "I wish you were a newspaper TOO, my dear, so I can have a

NEW ONE every morning!

***************** 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: "I" is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

***************** 
Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
***************** 
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
***************** 
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
***************** 
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
***************** 
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
***************** 
The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
***************** 
Q: What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

***************** 

"STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"

***************** 

Help fat people lose weight - "snatch

their food and make them run after you!"

***************** 

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of

the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said,

"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

***************** 

A woman died and was sent to heaven.

One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.

She only wanted to ask one question of him.

So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"

God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, "Every good design needs a rough draft!!"

***************** 

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'.  The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom.'

***************** 

THE THREE MICE: BRAVADOS OF THEIR MUCH-ADOs

 (ABOUT NOTHING!)

 But who actually "bells" the cat?  Let's find out!

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough

neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each

other about how tough they are.

The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams
the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second
mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
on my back and set it off with my foot. When the

bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench

press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and

then make off with the cheese."

 

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks
them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto

the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah?

When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it

home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee

each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest

of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the

third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has

in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first

two, "I don't have time for this bullsh*t.  I gotta go home

and f*ck the cat."  

***************** 

The Sins of Leroy

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided
that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well
Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy
you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for
one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He
finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. I've been

a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,

Leroy.

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he
ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours Truly,

Leroy.

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried
again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy.

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the
way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt
down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got
up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of
a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it
under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,

You know who.

***************** 

"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

"If You Don't Leave Me, I'll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will."

"Mama Get the Hammer.  There's a Fly on Papa's Head."

"I Gave Her the Ring, She Gave Me the Finger."

"I Got in at 2 With a 10, and Woke Up at 10 With a 2."

"Walk Out Backwards Slowly (So I'll Think You're Walkin' In)."

"Katy Did and Dinah Might."

"You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too."

"Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the BED."

"All I Want From You Is Away."

"Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart."

"The Pint of No Return."

"You Took Her Off My Hands, Now Please Take Her Off My Mind."

"I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out the Door."

"We Used to Kiss Each Other On the Lips, Now It's All Over."

"I've Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart."

"Wake Up and Smell the Whiskey."

"If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me."

       ------------

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This herbivore won't settle for thistle.
Because that may tickle and prickle.
He knows a 'vote of confidence' won't

Belittle.  So, on a whistlestop, of sorts -

For what bubbles and fizzles, he gets to

Wet his whistle!

L. Ola-Branche

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Down Under

Down Under, there are no otters.
Down Under, they need no otters.
For the best swim like no others.
 
Down Under is full of opals that make
The stars sparkle and the locals hopeful.
Abundant are the corals you can’t put asunder;

Whoever said planet Earth was for humans
Alone? We're and we share with Mother Nature’s

Myriad children, every nook and cranny:

Creatures you can see and those you can't
Even glimpse. Blessed is the land where
Nature’s varieties abound.

If you are a stranger in Australasia testing
The waters of Australia, take a 'pint' of
Caution: Don't stray, and be no "shark bait."

You’ve got to have a sense of humour.
Know when to hold your horses. And do
As the Aussies do:
 

Down Under is where wonders roost.  Honour

The woods; be kind and careful; don’t be rude;

Break no rules; and love Kangaroos!

If the countryside attracts check out the Outback

That bucks the trend.  From the Port of Darwin

To the banks of Daly, then on to Alice Springs.

Walk on the wild side: look on the bright
Side. Remember, you are no crocodile
Dundee. That is a 'done deal.'

Out there is a particular caudal fellow
You can’t argue right of way with. Down Under
And in the water? Beware what you come under.

If you hear a flutter behind your ‘rump-ers’,
The quaver in the water may not be opera.
You can't play down, Down Under,

The likely presence of a shark - the rock
(No, horror) of ages; or the possible
Gate-crashing of the 'lord' of the corals:

Curator of his borders, and one that you
Just can’t bother. His Highness - no,
Wildness - Mr. Crocodile!

So, like a brolga, bolt bronzer. It's been
Known, the world over, that crocodiles and
Sharks can make a meal of one's melons,

Worth millions (if not trillions that
Make you go "giddy up!").  So, SOS to
All fours! You're a swimmer now!

Get up to speed with your rudders.
Skedaddle freestyl-ly or helter-skelter
To where you put your trousers.
 
Don’t dilly-dally or look over your shoulder.
For motivation, here's a mantra: "Once I'm
Out of the water, the world is my oyster."

Just remember: accommodating, jocular
But time-strapped Aussies will give no
XXXX for the tardy, until it’s over!

L. Ola-Branche

*****************

Pamplona!!

Pamplona

(Pamplona  -  The Running of the Bulls!)

Just like back in the days of Babylonia,
People of carnival, in the spirit of animal-
Versus-man machismo, come from far

And near; to the 'pomp' arena of Pamplona,

En España.

The festival that rides on sunny thrills of July,

Feels the mounting heat of July, e con gusto.

And the herd that you can't ride like a prize

Horse of Dubai can kick up a surprise, and

Kiss one 'Goodbye.'

Unlike un sueño, which you can't show

But may sow, Reality dawns as the crow

Flies. Would-be toreros, devoted aficionados,

Brace up. Let no one cry woes come Zero

Hour. True heroes bear their sorrows.

Whoever will bully the bull must be very bullish.
Life may be jolly and humans bubbly. Agitated
Bulls don't stand on ceremony. Heaven, help

The runner who gets cornered on the hard

Cobblestones of Pamplona!

What a paradox! Runners that would take the bull
Of adventure by the horns and taunt the hard-hoofed
Herd.  Alas, they come in throngs - feeling strong -
But afraid of horns, so they turn and run - and run,

In case they get torn.

Almas in love with dramas, meet your match in almas

That fear no mammals.  Runners scared in a scamper,

You can run and swear, but you can't stop and stare;

There are no Oscars for scaring scars where adventure

'Buskers' meet adventure busters! 

En masse dismal almas get their marching orders,

As toros, up in arms with cuernos, take control.

Many will have fun and live to tell the story mañana.

Some runners will rock; and some honour, like tears,

May fall, a la fiesta!
 

L. Ola-Branche